We are back and it was a great, albeit long, trip. It was a beautiful wedding and a blissful honeymoon. However, I have tales to tell. Really, just my perspective on things. Though these aren’t in chronological order, I thought I would start with the story that has been told a couple times already so it has some form.

“And here is your bidet” our butler told us as he gave us a tour of our villa. I had heard of a bidet, but I had never actually seen one. See, down in Texas, we uh… just use paper. And admittedly, even in my time traveling, I have never happened across one. I knew what it was for, and honestly, I was curious. I was determined to figure it out.

I took a gander at it, it had a hot water knob on the left, a cold water knob on the right and a knob in the middle. Ok, not unlike a shower. There’s a bulbous looking water spout in the bottom of the bowl. It’s like an upside down shower head. Ok, I see where this is going. Or so I thought.

After dancing around the idea of trying it out for a day or so, the humidity and just perpetual sweating got the best of me. I was gonna give it a shot (no pun intended). So, turn on the hot water, it starts filling up the bowl from the sides similar to how a toilet does when you flush it. Well, I do know what this device is for, and I’m not about to stick my hands down in that bowl. So I add a little cold to try to get a warm water. I turn the middle knob just a bit, to try to get a water fountain effect. Just high enough for me to feel the water without having to dunk my hand in the bowl. Seemed ok.

Then I really started to consider how to use this apparatus. I mean, how do you mount this thing? I see the knobs are in the back, do you face the knobs so you have control? But it’s shaped like a toilet bowl, so I sit like I would on a toilet bowl? But that means I have to reach behind me to control the temperature and water pressure. That doesn’t seem natural. Then I really notice something that threw me off and ended up being my demise.

There is no seat on this thing. It’s like a toilet without a seat. Just a porcelain bowl. I have visions of what the toilet bowl can look like in my house with the seat up and decide, there is no way I’m sitting directly on that. It looks clean enough, sure. But still, no way. Turns out, that was exactly what I should have done.

So, I decide to do the chick thing and squat over it. Unfortunately, I forgot to take gravity into consideration in all this. I got into what I thought was position and turned up the water pressure. That’s where things got messy.

First off, I initially missed. When I say I missed, I mean I was soaking my inner thigh. Just totally missed the important parts all together. Ok, adjust. But wait, why was my calf wet? Crap, I didn’t squat down far enough, the water is running down my leg. And into my shoes. Yes, at my ankles were my underwear, my pants, socks and shoes, now totally soaked. So now I’m reaching behind me, looking for the water pressure knob to turn it off and that is causing me to move and water is spraying everywhere. Both legs, up my shirt, up my nose, even in my hair (turns out I had the water pressure up way higher than it needed to be). By the time I get it turned off, I am completely soaked from head to toe and there is standing water in the toilet room. It’s leaking out under the door and my wife is asking what the hell I am doing in there. Thankfully I had the door locked so she couldn’t come in and see for herself. I went straight to the shower, did not pass go, did not collect $200.

Since then I have looked up how to use it and if I encounter one again, I may actually try it again, maybe.