Crawford and his Nasty Parlour Tricks
Cats are nast-e. There is just no getting around it. What’s worse is cat owners accept that type of behavior. No, they embrace it. I really blame them, not so much the animal.
Cats shit in your house. So do you, you say? Yes, but I flush mine down. There is what is called a “P” trap to keep sewer gases (shit smell, amongst other things) out of your house. I courtesy flush. I turn on vents. I light candles. I spray when there are foul odors. Litter boxes are the nastiest thing known to man. I don’t care if you just changed it, it still stinks. So we’ve established cats shit in your house and leave it there for you to clean up. That in itself should be nasty enough, but no, there is more.
What do you do when you leave the bathroom? I hope you wash your hands, you nasty bastard. I don’t care if you are busy, take the time to wash your hands or don’t get pissed off when I refuse to shake your pissed on hands. But I digress, cats, who have just shat and pissed in their litter box do what? Scratch their paws in dirty litter and come on out. That wouldn’t be so bad, except where do they go? Up on your counter, up onto your funiture, up onto you. I don’t care if you can see it or not, you have cat piss and shit on your counters, and there is no denying that.
So there is cat refuse in a box in your house, what do you do? You get it out, obviously. However, putting it in a bag, tying the bag and putting it into the kitchen trash is not sufficient. That needs to go outside. I don’t care where, but outside. I mean, really, do you go into your toilet aftwards, scoop it out, put it in a bag, tie it and drop it into the kitchen garbage? Of course not. Why? Cause it’s fucking nasty, that’s why. That’s shit! In your kitchen! Get it the fuck out!
Ok, I think we have covered the topic of refuse well enough. Let’s move on. Hair. It’s amazing the people I see with hair all over their clothes. When they see you notice it, they tell you “it’s my cat”. First off, no shit. Of course it’s your cat. If it wasn’t your cat, your pet is the least of your worries. I would be far more concerned about the pounds of furr you were shedding. Secondly, how does saying “it’s my cat” some how make it ok? If you had dirt all over your clothes but “it’s your washer” does that excuse it and make it socially acceptable? Hell no, you would get another washer. How is this any different? It’s dead hair, it’s nasty and it covers everything.
Speaking of everything, we come to the second reason cats aren’t to be allowed on the counter. Cause when I get cat hair in my food or on my counter where I prepare food, I flip out. What do you do when you go out to eat? You expect a clean table, more importantly you expect a clean food preperation area. Why do you make an exception in your home?
Speaking of food, cat food is some of the worst smelling stuff I have ever had the unfortunate experience to waft. Nothing is worse than the wet food. That stuff makes the shit in your garbage not smell so bad. Then there is the worst transgression of all in regards to food. What do owners do with the cat food can after the food has been dished out? They put it in the garbage can. Again, with the stinking up the of the trash. The trash smells bad enough already with human food and waste (notice I say waste, not refuse, you nasty bastards). Let’s add some foul smelling chicken heart soaking in gravy for months to the garbage. Why don’t you wash it out? Cause it smells bad and you don’t want to handle it any longer than you have to? Yeah, then putting it in the trash to let it get stagnant is a great idea. Who was the ad wizard who came up with that one?
In conclusion to this loosely grouped rant, I think owning an inside cat is a statement of someone’s hygiene (or lack there of). It shows their tolerance for foul smells, dirty clothes and home.
July 30th, 2004 at 5:56 pm
Oh no..now you have done it…treading on shakey ground again. Your site and your say, as you informed me…I must admit that I agree with some of it mainly because I have not thought of some of that shit…no pun intended, but boy you are so radical. love ya
August 2nd, 2004 at 3:09 pm
Haha, i totally hear you on the hair on the shirt thing. my dog sheds like an mf’er and i have to use a lint brush all the time, but its worth the extra effort to not be a TOTAL scrub comon people!
August 2nd, 2004 at 3:28 pm
I say all pets are nasty. I am a “cat person” - one who prefers cats over other pets, mainly because they are so low maintenance. I have lived with both dogs and cats, and - not to start an argument over which is better - I prefer cats for the following reasons:
1) I’ve never seen a cat eat dog shit. I used to live with two really cool dogs, but I would always catch them eating the cat’s shit out of the cat box. Yum! Miniature Baby Ruth’s with kitty litter crunch! Talk about nasty…
2) I prefer cat smell to dog smell. Not all pets stink, but when they do, dogs tend to stink far more redolently than cats. When you pet a cat, it doesn’t leave a nasty stink on your hands either. The one exception is cat piss - totally rank, but you only smell this when you have an indoor cat or the cat isn’t fixed and is pissing all over the house.
3) I’ve never seen a cat rub its ass on the rug. I’ve seen several dogs scratch their ass glands on the floor, leaving what a friend of mine likes to call “bacon strips” on the rug. Disgusting.
4) Cats don’t bark. Cats are pretty straightforward - they bitch when they’re hungry or when they want attention, which is seldom. Dogs tend to bark at anything that moves, imagined or real. I find this to be extremely annoying.
5) I’ve never seen two cats get into a fight and one has to go to the hospital. Nor have I ever seen a cat cause someone to have to get 10 stitches in their calf, like when my step mother had to when she was attacked by a dog when I was a kid.
6) Cats can be easily trained to crap in the toilet or go outside, and not to jump on the counter. When is the last time you stepped in some cat crap in your yard and tracked it in your house? My cats are outdoor kitties and I never see thier shit. Probably b/c the dogs eat it.
7) Cats are so damn cute. Have you ever seen a dog curl up in a box or an open dresser drawer?
Dog and cat foods are made out the same nasty shit - I think they’re both equally foul. Both cats and dogs are equally clean. When is the last time you saw a cat lick his nuts and then jump on your lap and lick your face? Fucking sick.
I have nothing against dogs. I’d love to get one some day soon. For me, it’s a matter of time and energy.
August 2nd, 2004 at 3:52 pm
1) Nope, like I said, they should be fed outside. If they choose to eat that, that’s fine, eat it outside.
2) If you are talking just straight animal and their funk, I’ll give it to ya. Dogs can get pretty funky, cats are only funky smelling when it comes to what is going in and out of them.
3) Dude, your friend needs to discipline his dog. Possibly trim the hair around it’s ass? I dunno, but I’ve been around lots of dogs, and I have seen a dog try that once. It’s called discipline.
4) Different dogs bark at different things. Some even bay (which is highly annoying) but nothing is worse than cats who jump up on shit at all hours of the night, knocking things off counters, breaking glasses, getting in the fucking blinds, I hate that shit.
5) You haven’t seen any violent cats. There are plenty out there.
6) As for cats using the toilet, only if they can flush it, otherwise it’s still just as nasty and I prefer they go outside.
7) Yeah, they are cute.
Uh, I don’t let my dog lick my face. Never have. I know what dogs eat, and I don’t take kindly to that on my face.
You’ll see the caveat about “inside” cats at the bottom. I sorta slipped that one in.
It was there in the original post.
The actual point of the rant is to show the nastiness of their owners, not so much the animals themselves. The point that cats are allowed to have them. All the things you talk about for dogs are behaviors that can be untaught. I’m sure they can be untaught for cats too, but most owners hold the addage “can’t teach a cat”. It’s the tolerance of the cats’ behaviors that really get to me. And what people do with shit. That still just amazes me…