craveytrain

I woke up about an hour ago. I haven’t slept well the last few nights, and I think I might have woke up from shear exhaustion. I come over to the computer and I move my mice to wake up my computers. i see a message from my girlfriend. she tells me she’s worried. about what she doesn’t say. only a seed planted, a seed that has me walking through interations of conversations, going through my every memory of her recently, were there any signs I missed? signs of what? signs of anything…

I think about calling, wait, it’s 3AM, she’s asleep. What to do? Drive, I’ll take a drive. under the guise of getting a bite to eat, I get into the car. I drive past whataburger, that didn’t sound too good, jack in the crack? naw, not feeling it. I turn up towards 183. I get on 183. I’m driving along, mind running a million miles a minute.

What is she worried about? Why is it every time I do anything the slightest bit different, she gets worried? She says she’s secure, but sometimes I wonder. She seems like she’s just always waiting on the other shoe to drop. I love her dearly, but it seems she doesn’t get it sometimes. She acts like she’s expecting me to come to her and say “look, it’s been fun, but we gotta part ways”. Sometimes she acts like she really thinks she doesn’t deserve me. Her self esteem is what worries me. Everyone loves her, she’s this great person that everyone tells me I’m ver lucky to have, as if I didn’t already know. But she can’t take a compliment. She’s always looking for the side remark in it. She’s always reading into it. Someone along the line really did a number on her confidence, and she is almost cynical in her nature now. She expects the worse, and she feels that if she does that and it really does come true, she’s ready for it. She played it safe. I want to tell her that that’s no way to live a life. I life spent in fear isn’t a life at all. It’s just an existence. Guess i just did.

What could have caused it? Prior exes? Family? Religion? the last one struck me funny. I don’t dog religion, cause I believe that it’s a very personal decision, and whatever works for you is great. but something about it in this sense had some logic. religion is a source comfort a source of strength for it’s followers. they can trust in their lord, and then they are worry free. but what happens when they are trusting in a person who isn’t religious? do they just pray that person will find faith? what happens if that person doesn’t? does it make that person less of a person? does it make them more succeptable to doing disfavorable things? does that make them know less about love? I’ve heard that last one before. “you don’t know love if you don’t know the lord’s love.” I don’t know if I have ever been more offended. I don’t know my own feelings cause I don’t believe in your lord? how asinine. but that’s wasn’t my girlie. she is very respectful of my decision, but I know she prays that one day I’ll find faith again. Maybe I will, I can’t say I will never be in good graces with the lord again, but it’s not me right now. it just doesn’t fit into my life, my mantra, who I am. not right now. I’m in Cedar Park. guess I’ll turn around.

Jack Johnson is in the cd player. Brushfire Fairytales. excellent album. It’s All Understood comes on. I hear the lyric:

But I read somewhere
That you’ve got to beware
You can’t believe anything you read
But the good Book is good
And it’s all understood
So don’t even question
If you know what I mean

That reminds me of a conversation my mother and I had on x-mas eve. After a bit of conversation juice, we get to chatting, and she tells me how guilty she feels about my diversion from faith. She feels responsbible for my atheism. Like it was some disease that got passed through her genes. I try to explain to her, in a way it was her doing, but she had no control over it.

You see, my mom is one of the coolest and most understanding people in the world. She will listen to me bitch and moan about anything, but she never interferes. She taught me to be respectful, intelligent, proud and to take nothing for granted. She helped teach me to be indepedant, to think for myself. She knows how importance my independence is to me. She taught me to not just accept what is given to me at face value. And it was this teaching that eventually lead to my fall from faith. I began to analyze all sorts of things and eventually wound up with religion being this cumbersome baggage that did nothing for me.

The ironic thing about the whole situation, is while she is feeling guilty, her behavior actually resembles the diety she wishes I could know. She loved me, supported me, taught me to think for myself and have free will. Free will, that’s christianity’s way of describing the non-believers. She gave me everything I needed to make my own decision and told me she would love me regardless. I made my own decision, and while she does not agree with it, she respects it and loves me unconditionally. If that isn’t in the image of God, I don’t know what is.

I’ve somehow pulled up to whataburger, though it was practically a pavlovian response at this point. What to order? I just don’t want grease right now. Grilled chicken sammich. that’ll work. God, I need to go work out. I need to get started on that again, or I will be a fat hermit again this summer too. No, not this year. I won’t do it. Of course, that’s not going to deter me from eating at 3:30 in the morning. It’s still 2003. In the new year, that’s when I’ll crack down on myself.

I’m home, I’ve eaten, and I’m looking at my computer screen again. Well, the message she sent hours ago hasn’t changed. She’s worried. About what? I can only speculate, and I have at great length. My eyes are starting to cross, too much thinking, too much reading, still so tired. guess I just shared a sample of my brain ramblings.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 31st, 2003 at 4:23 am and is filed under ramblings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.